271: The Greatest Comfort: Why Loveys Matter in Early Childhood with Diane Goyette

In this episode of Child Care Conversations, Kate and Carrie chat about “loveys,” those cherished comfort items kids bring to childcare with Diane Goyette. They share heartfelt stories and practical tips on why these objects matter so much for emotional regulation and security. You’ll pick up resourceful ideas for managing loveys in your center, hear why every child’s attachment is unique (especially for neurodiverse kids), and get reassurance that honoring these needs builds resilience. 

If you’ve ever wondered how to balance policies and compassion, this episode is a warm, knowledgeable guide. 

Don’t forget, we are also on YouTube! Check out Diane’s last episode on YouTube

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Transcript

Marie 00:00:03  Welcome to Child Care Conversations, the podcast where early childhood leaders like you get real world strategies, honest talk and a whole lot of support. Whether you're running one center or many. We're here to help you lead with confidence and clarity. This episode is brought to you by our summer partner Child Care Business Growth, your go to solution for filling spots, increasing revenue, and scaling your child care business without the burnout. We're proud to partner with a team that's as committed to your success as we are. Learn more at Childcare Business growth.com. Now let's get into today's conversation. One we think you're really going to love.

Kate 00:00:50  It's nap time and you've got children in your classroom who just want their insert blanket toy. Way. And today Carrie and Diane are going to talk about that from a developmental standpoint, from a director standpoint. Let's see where we go with it. We don't know exactly. You know, that's a great point. I was that kid that had one of those until I was seven. And I lost it somewhere or somebody lost it for me.

Kate 00:01:23  I'm not sure which, three of my four children had levees. They were very, very attached to to the point where, you know, we stockpiled them. So, you know who wants to start? Diane. Carrie, where are we going to go with this today?

Carrie 00:01:39  I mean, first let's give a definition. So I think lovey is kind of a vague term. So instead I want to use the term security object or security item, because for some kids it's not a blanket. It's not a burp cloth, it's not a stuffed animal. For some kids it is a hot wheel, or it is their parents handbag or wallet or something like that. Like the security object doesn't have to be what we have in our head when we hear the word lovey. And that's one of the problems that I've seen at some schools, because if a kid's security object is a screwdriver, we have some safety concerns, right? so we can't let them walk around with a wrench or a screwdriver in the classroom.

Carrie 00:02:30  But if that is the thing that the child uses to self calm, if we don't let them have something to self-harm, how are they going to deescalate? How are they going to regulate?

Diane 00:02:41  Exactly. And I love that she that she put that question out there because I would love to take off with that. But let me just add to the, the, names for these items. So, they are also sometimes called attachment items or comfort items. and Karen, my adult neurodiverse daughter, who still has one of those, whatever you want to call it. as a matter of fact, I'll grab one that she calls an EAP worm that literally is still, as an adult, her comfort item. But she has another name for it that that she hopes sounds a little more mature and grown up, which is an emotional regulation tool like an emotional support animal. Yeah, this is an emotional support tool.

Carrie 00:03:36  I think that phrase actually makes the most sense because that's what it is. That is its function.

Carrie 00:03:43  Whether we call it a security object, an attachment object, whatever it is an emotional support tool.

Kate 00:03:49  Well, and what's interesting is we are not the only animals that have these. I mean, otters have their rock, right? So and there are other animals Well, who will take things for? For comfort. And so I love the fact that we're looking for a a more appropriate term. You know, we've got fidget toys, right. But again, those fidget toys play some of that same role. especially regardless of your label. Right.

Diane 00:04:20  And one other name. I'm sorry. Okay. Well I was just.

Carrie 00:04:22  Going to say elephants do the same thing. Elephants have specific I mean specific trees that they go back to when they are agitated that they will rub up against.

Diane 00:04:32  You guys know a lot more about the animal kingdom than I do. So this is fascinating. another name, though, is transitional item, which kind of emphasizes the idea that for some children it is a transitional item that brings them comfort when their main source of comfort, i.e. their attachment person, mom, or whoever that may be, is not available.

Diane 00:04:59  And so but I think the most important part of all of these names to keep in mind is, is one that we used for one of them, for the emotional support tool. These are tools for children. These are ways that they, gain or regain their composure and their self-regulation. And it's not something that we reward them with when they do what they're supposed to do. They use those tools to be able to do those things. And I think if if we use that as our basic mindset of children, many children do need some assistance beyond what the teacher of 12 or 18 or 28 children, can provide in the classroom. And so it's a it's a very valuable tool.

Kate 00:05:55  Can I can I go ahead? Kate, I was just going to say more and more adults have these too, and we're using them all the time, but we don't associate them that way. I mean, think about how many people pick up a phone to Doom scroll or to play a game to disconnect, to get their mind out of whatever they might have been spinning or circling with.

Kate 00:06:18  growing up, it was the child who carried that book, maybe all the time. That was always a reader. you know, their own version, their own tool. I love the fact that you've called it a tool. I don't know why we've. I hadn't heard that before, but now I have a new phrase I think.

Carrie 00:06:38  Back, you know, that one where I was going to go. But when we're talking about it being a tool and that adults have them too, I think and we say nowadays, but I don't know about you, but one of my grandmothers, when she was feeling stressed, would go out and garden, and my mom for decades would go smoke a cigarette. so I don't think it's a nowadays thing. I mean, Sherlock Holmes had his little pipe that he would stick in his mouth and chew. You never saw him smoking it in any of those movies. He would just stick it in his mouth and it was his comfort item. Again, I don't think that that was in the books.

Carrie 00:07:20  I think that was just in the movies. But I think we have evidence all through history that this is this is a developmental need for humans, no matter what age they are. It is an emotional support need. You need to have physical items that connect you to a feeling of safety and security. I'm sure in, you know, medieval times there were people who had emotional security swords.

Kate 00:07:50  Well, I'm thinking about even like. So, you know, if you are, I'm just going to say it recovering. You know, chances are you've got a coin in your pocket, right? Which again helps you connect to something. So there's all kinds of examples, not just in childcare. So but let's, let's, let's bring us back there. Now that we've learned a little bit about the animal kingdom and history and maybe just adult humans, I'm going to try to bring us back in and talk specifically about this role with children. So those who are listening have the background knowledge that they can help their staff and the parents in their program understand why these are something we should not discourage.

Kate 00:08:37  And I loved Diane's comment about reusing as a reward. Right. So both of those are no no's, right? So in case you missed that, I think it's clear to to to really understand that we shouldn't be using this as a as it shouldn't be.

Carrie 00:08:53  If you can stop crying I will give you your money, right? No no no, I will give you your money to help you stop crying.

Diane 00:09:01  Exactly. Now I'm going to pull in something that you were saying, Carrie, about this being a basic human developmental need. And it turns out the animal kingdom also has this need. And Kate you use the word. It's a need for connection. This this support emotional support tool or lovey or whatever you choose to call it is filling a critical need. When children are in your your programs and they're in your teachers classrooms and they are looking around. and at the, you know, sometimes very noisy, very active place, lots of things visually going on and smells and everything else. They are looking their brains and their bodies.

Diane 00:09:51  So developmentally, this is an unconscious thing. But their brains and bodies are constantly scanning the environment and they want to know two things. Am I safe?

Carrie 00:10:02  Yep.

Diane 00:10:02  In other words, is. Or are these people threats? Is this threatening? Is that threatening? Okay, that's one part of it. But the other part of it is am I loved? Do I belong? Does somebody care about me here? And you know, I don't want it to to put too much onto this little inanimate object. But for some people, this is the stand in for. Oh, I feel loved. I feel cared for in this space. Because your teachers, no matter how fabulous and seasoned and wise they are, they only have two arms if they, you know or have a full body, you know. So they they can't be everywhere giving hugs and and all of those physical comforts to every child whenever every child needs it. But that is part of that. Do I belong here? Yeah. And so thanks for starting us off, Kate, with what is actually brain research tells us, the most important thing that will bring about resilience in young children is that they had a strong relationship with at least one caring adult.

Diane 00:11:23  And there were some studies that, well, one in particular, that looked at children who had levees and children who did not. And then we're going to use these terms interchangeably.

Kate 00:11:35  So let's come back. Let's come back because I definitely want to make sure that, in our show notes we have that study. So somebody oh, this is true, I am, yeah. A note, that we remember to come back, I.

Carrie 00:11:49  Wrote I wrote it down.

Kate 00:11:50  Thank you. All right, Carrie.

Carrie 00:11:52  I was just going to say. And then we'll go back and and have you finish your thought. Diane. I didn't know it from a research standpoint, but when I was a new teacher, I was 19 or 20 years old, and I had a toddler classroom. The teacher who I took over for had had the, the lovey, the the connection items kept in the kids cubbies and in a toddler classroom. The kids do not have access to their cubbies because they will be in and out of it all day.

Carrie 00:12:21  And I changed it to there were baskets underneath. We had a changing table, which was basically a counter. So there was a a space underneath where kids like to go when they wanted to feel that sense of enclosure. And I put all of them except for pacifiers, which, but all the other ones under there in a couple of different baskets so that the kids could go get them whenever they wanted them. And I had a co-teacher and she was like, why are you doing that? I was like, because this way, when they need it, they can get it, and I don't have to. It's making my job easier. She went. That's true. And she was like, well, what if somebody gets somebody else's lovey? I'm like, I'm pretty sure the toddlers will self police that. I'm not super worried about that. Karma is very quick in a toddler classroom. so at 19 or 20 I was like, this is what will make my job easier and make it better for the kids.

Carrie 00:13:22  So let's talk about what the research shows. That backs up my brain. I like it when research backs up what was in my brain.

Diane 00:13:29  And I'm going to hit the timeout button for just a minute. The study that I was about to cite, I actually cited secondhand, which I don't normally do. So I don't want to I don't want to depend on that in case I can't find the original site. So let's rewind that. Just what was I saying before I went off on that tangent? Because it really wasn't. That part wasn't important. Now, the thing that I said about research showing the the connection being important, that is from the center on the developing child and other people have, you know, figured that out as well. But anyway, can we can we just like, chop that mid-sentence out or whatever?

Carrie 00:14:06  Well, we'll we'll talk to the editor, but.

Kate 00:14:08  We could.

Carrie 00:14:09  Just do like.

Kate 00:14:09  This for that part. There we go. There I edited. I mean.

Carrie 00:14:14  Part of what makes I think our podcast different is that it is just a conversation.

Carrie 00:14:20  And sometimes we're like, I don't know, somebody told me this and then we have to go try to figure out who it was who told us that or where we read it. if I could remember all the things that I had read, it would I would just be a walking encyclopedia because I read a lot. But like I said, I, I don't always know where I got that information. it would be handy if we had had AI with us the whole our whole lives, and it could just be annotating where we got stuff, and then you could go into the eye and go, hey, where did this come from? And it would go find it in your in your, transcript of your life. That's what I.

Kate 00:14:59  Mean. It only works. If I could remember what the subject was I was looking for. Because then I still have to have a search term other than, you know, that day. I mean, I guess I'd have to catalog everything by, like, it was cold and the person was wearing a blue shirt, and I think we were here.

Kate 00:15:16  Right, right.

Carrie 00:15:18  Yeah.

Diane 00:15:18  I mean, you know.

Diane 00:15:19  Let's maybe let's just, we talked about these two things that are happening in the child's brain and body. In other words, the central nervous system, that's the connection between the brain and the body. And they are looking to be safe and to feel loved. Okay. And the from our from our names of these objects, then we are addressing both of them. We called it a security item helps the child feel safe. You know, we called it a comfort item. And we talked about how it helps connect the child, or a transition item connects the child to the person that they are most missing, or the person that whose you know leg they run to and grab when when something you know frightens them or scares them or whatever. And so we all actually did. You know this. We all have toddler brains in us at some point because our brains don't always, process the word no. Which is why we always try to help teachers tell children what you want them to do, not don't do.

Diane 00:16:24  Because if you say don't touch the lamp, they their brain, here's lamp. And that's why they go and touch the lamp just to see what you'll do. Your brain is actually, as you grow up, does the same thing a toddler when they get distressed and they had been safely exploring the environment and a loud noise happens or something and they run to their person, well, don't we all do that? We all hopefully in our lives we have some attachment person that we run to when times are hard and we want that person even if we have to connect over the phone or online or something. And so again, back to the idea that that we are addressing children's basic developmental needs. And so if if they bring these items with them to school, yes, it can open a can of worms, you know, and germy kinds of issues that that might make you uncomfortable, but that is a valuable part of what children need. And it's our job to provide children with what they need to grow.

Diane 00:17:30  And so the children.

Carrie 00:17:32  Are a germy thing that we bring into the classroom. And if we want to keep the classroom germ free, we can't allow the children in. I think the children are more of an issue than the blanket that only gets washed once every other week.

Diane 00:17:46  I really think.

Carrie 00:17:47  That the children are a bigger issue.

Kate 00:17:50  Because they don't get washed sometimes, except once a week. Okay. So let's think about we've got directors listening to this episode, so maybe they're on board with us from, you know, a research standpoint, but now they're trying to figure out how to implement this, especially if they had been a program with a different type of policy. And so now they have to educate the staff. They have to educate the parents what might be a great first place. So if you've listened to this episode and you're like, okay, I really see some validity for that. But we've always been a no toys from home program.

Diane 00:18:25  Well, I think one.

Carrie 00:18:26  Of the reasons that people have the Noynoy toys, no toys from home policy is because things get lost or damaged when they're at school and or could get lost or damaged.

Carrie 00:18:40  And then you've got really mad parents because they sent their iPad Pro 87 or whatever with the kid, and they said that that was the child's attachment item, and now they're mad that this $1,000 piece of equipment has been lost. So I think there have to be some parameters because if there attachment item is a Ferrari, they can't bring it into the school, right? So there have to be some parameters on what kinds of attachment items or emotional support tools the kids can bring in. Can they bring in an iPad? Can they bring in a car? Can they bring in their brother? Like, what kinds of things can they and can they not? I think that's part of it because you hear, you know, a lot of people here bring in a thing from home and they go alert, alert, alert. This is potential exposure. This is potential exposure. And we're going to have mad parents, and we're going to have to pay to buy somebody a new iguana, which, by the way, it was my sister's transitional item, was a stuffed toy that Fisher-Price made for one season.

Carrie 00:19:51  And boy, when Edwina got lost, it was a nightmare. because Fisher-Price didn't keep making that thing. It was. Kids are mean sometimes with what they attach to.

Diane 00:20:05  Well, it's like anything else that's that's in your classroom, in your program that you're making sure that it is something that is safe, that, is a reasonable like a lot of times programs will limit the when the child is not using the comfort item, then a reasonable place for it to live is in the child's cubby. And so it needs to be something that is a reason of a reasonable size that fits into the cubby. And also those safety issues like, you know, no sharp point, no screwdrivers, as Gary was joking about and, and things like that. but beyond that, I think backing up a little bit when you start out your program, like, you know, you know, whenever your kids transition to a new room or whatever, and it's a good time to remind your parents of why you do what you do, and you can just kind of let them know that, you know, we understand that children.

Diane 00:21:06  They determine what their their comfort item is. You don't get to pick it. And so sometimes you, you know, they come up with these strange things, but very often it is because it is a tangible reminder of that, you know, that attachment person to that child. So just just kind of remembering that you are truly supposed to be in a partnership with the families and to work with them. And if the if they want to bring in a certain something and, you know, you just don't see it happening, you know that that's where you can do that power sharing opportunity of, let's talk about this and see how we can make this work.

Kate 00:21:46  Well. And as a parent who had, you know well, four kids, but three of them with different items, one of the things that we worked really hard after the first child who was so attached to one specific item, we eventually were able to get them where they would be okay with something very similar. So, one of my kids was very attached to anything that was a pink bunny, and so it didn't have to be.

Kate 00:22:13  We got to the point where it didn't have to be the same, a pink bunny. And so it meant that we could have them at the other parents house. There could be one at school. There was one. We always had an emergency, one in a car, you know. So there were always multiples versus the kids that have to have, you know, this particular dinosaur, this size, this color, this version of the fur worn off, you know, like, you know, The Velveteen Rabbit is a great book and you know it. It's near and dear to my heart because my oldest son has that brown bunny that's looked a little too loved. and, you know, so we've all got that situation. But I think that that's a great opportunity for that conversation with parents and helping the parents understand why the kids are looking for that. And is it possible to.

Diane 00:23:04  Create more than.

Kate 00:23:05  One?

Diane 00:23:06  Yeah.

Carrie 00:23:07  I was a blankie kid and it was a blank. There was a specific blanket and when it got lost, it was a huge problem for me.

Carrie 00:23:17  But I was old enough when it got lost to be like, okay, what was it that I really liked? It was the rubbing it between my fingers. So I just ran around the house looking for anything with that feel, and I discovered, this is something called satin. And for me, it was the satin feel. For other kids, it's that cotton feel or the plush feel or, but it never would have occurred to my parents back in the olden days of the 1900s, that if I had lost my blanket at school, that they would call the director at home and demand that they open the school back up so that we can find my blankie. So I think that is something that is different today, is that that is a reasonable concern for a director to have is if people bring their levies and misplace them, that it's going to become a problem for the director or for the owner. But I still think it's worth it. I think that's a small price to pay for kids being able to self soothe.

Kate 00:24:31  Well, that's why I said at least when the kids get old enough, I mean, it doesn't really work when they're, you know, under two. But as they get to two, I think it's worth having conversations with the parents and the kids about, hey, let's create a whole bunch of these little pink bunnies, right? Let's let's find what's your pink bunny that you want to take to school? What's the pink bunny that you want to keep in the car? What is the. You know, so that they have, it can still be there. Insert tool's name. but it doesn't have to be the same one. At least I don't know. I mean, I don't know how easy if a conversation that is to have. I mean we did it but we did it because of the anxiety between the two different parent households and having it to go from each household and to school like it. Like I was not cut out for that. so I'm like, this one pink. How about this one? It's tiny.

Kate 00:25:24  He pink, you know. So, I think we got to the point where we had like six at one point in time. So like when we lost one, it was okay. You know, we we knew where there was a, a backup or another one that would do for that child what they really, really needed. And they were too. But I mean, they were two they weren't they weren't 4 to 7, which I would think could be, but, you know, the child that's just above them, they were four before they were okay with. Not that specific, but.

Diane 00:25:56  you know, what.

Diane 00:25:57  I'd like to bring in here is just, that respect for children as individuals. being the parent of a neuro diverse or divergent, I guess, individual and, just kind of seeing the struggles that she had and how some things were not similar to her peers, does not mean that they are wrong for that particular child. And so if you think that one particular child is too attached to their comfort item, or they absolutely refuse anything except for that one particular, and of course they get really well, after a while.

Diane 00:26:42  that means yucky. I just made a face. Sorry. And if you're listening, you can't see it. But, But anyway, to recognize that for that particular child that their particular tool has to be this thing. At this moment, it won't always be that way, but perhaps just helping ease the the issue. If they are not able to access that particular object on a particular day or in a particular moment, just recognizing that the distress level is going to be really, really high. And so perhaps the teacher or a little friend, because friends can be very empathetic, that can give that child some physical comfort in place of their the child's desired object. And then I also wanted to bring up something that just because I love to let people know what a real person I am, and I will share all the mistakes I've made in my time. Well, we don't have time for that, but I do want to share with you something that you may in terms of the individual variability that you may also be wondering, okay, my child is not too many more.

Diane 00:27:59  They shouldn't. They should be over this stage of needing a lovie or something. So these were my daughter's comfort items or emotional regulation tools since childhood, but she never let go of them. And as a parent, I'm watching her not be quite in the same developmental.

Diane 00:28:25  In the same.

Diane 00:28:25  Levels, perhaps as her peers as she was growing up. And of course, that brought her and me, her mom, a lot of distress. And so at one point I thought to myself, well, you know, if she weren't playing with these little toys so much now that she's a teenager, then perhaps she would socialize more with the other teens, even though I knew that she didn't have as much in common with the things that teenagers didn't really talk about. My daughter wasn't interested in. So, Fortunately, there were wise people in Corinne's life that I said, well, let's go ask your therapist what she says. And she, basically gave me a good stern talking to you.

Diane 00:29:12  Well, that was.

Diane 00:29:14  This, that that. I share this because I think this is something for you. If you have a child in your program and they're just a little different, little quirky, maybe not exactly where their peers are, they are where they are right then. And so here's what the therapist said. She said she is using this as a tool to help herself regulate. It's a positive tool. She is not drinking or smoking or whatever. You know that perhaps other teenagers might turn to as a tool. So why in the world would you take it away from her?

Kate 00:29:56  Absolutely. So I think that's a.

Diane 00:29:58  Great place to start.

Diane 00:30:00  I realized that that was what she needed.

Kate 00:30:04  Absolutely.

Diane 00:30:05  Okay.

Carrie 00:30:05  No, Kate, we're not ready to wrap up, because that reminded me of another thing that some kids use as a self-soothing tool, that it's very hard for the caregivers and the adults to take away, which are fingers or knuckles. And the number of times in my career I've heard somebody say, oh, that kid is too old to suck their fingers, or too old to suck their thumb or whatever.

Carrie 00:30:30  And so, you know, how do you get a kid to stop sucking their thumb? And I'm like, you make them feel more secure. You make them feel more comfortable, more safe because they are sucking their thumb, because they do not feel connected. They do not feel safe and they feel like there is danger. So if the child is sucking their thumb a lot, You need to work more on connection. You don't need to dip their thumb in jalapeno juice. That is not okay.

Diane 00:31:00  No. And especially because yeah.

Kate 00:31:02  I mean, I was again I fall into that category. But you know, my doctor told my mother, oh, instead of a pacifier, give her her thumb. She won't lose it. And you know, so that came from the pediatrician and, you know, 1969. So. But with that, I know we could even have another episode with Diane and carry on this conversation, but we are definitely maxed out on our time for the today. And I'm so glad I know, but I'm so glad that you guys joined us.

Kate 00:31:32  And I know Carrie has something to say.

Carrie 00:31:34  So if you learned something from this show, I bet you did share this show with somebody else who needs to know. Share it with the people who help design the policies at your school. Share it with the teachers who are constantly trying to take people's levies away. way share it with the parent who doesn't understand why their kid needs a blankie. Share this show with somebody else who needs to know, and go in and write a review on your podcast. Player of choice. We read every single one of those and we will talk to you next week.

Marie 00:32:11  Thanks for tuning in. We love bringing you real talk and fresh insight from the world of early childhood education. Be sure to follow us on social media to stay connected and catch all of the latest episodes. And if you're planning a conference, training, or special event. Kate and Cary would love to speak to your audience. You can learn more about their keynote sessions and workshops at Kate and Carrie. If you learned something today, share the show and leave us a review below.

Marie 00:32:42  We'll see you next time on Child Care Conversations.